Dad's surgeon visit went well. He'll have the minimally invasive clips done. The open heart surgeon was willing but discouraging. Dad was concerned with a long recovery, and L and i think it's for the best as we reflect on how well he follows instruction to rest. (Does not follow instructions.) I went to Dad's favorite bar, Dockside, with him and had a few drinks as he had his two beers.

My cousin came to visit semi out of the blue. She stayed in an inn in Pittsboro Thursday night, and i had lunch with her and dad Friday. She was planning on being in town in time for dinner on Thursday night but wasn't.   Dad and i had a drink in City Tap waiting, but then got the news she was very delayed.

Last night i worked much later than usual. I can't believe it's Saturday again.

Just had a lovely lunch sandwich with cream cheese, the tiny wild tomatoes, smoked salmon, pickled red onion and thin slices of cucumber. Wish it had been fancier bread, but it was delicious nonetheless.

Must take advantage of decent weather in the yard.

Elderberry juice! I steam juiced elderberries the past two weekends and made jelly last night with half the juice. So much sugar. Lesson learned: there is no such thing as too big a pot. The house might still smell like burnt sugar. The win: i remembered to change out of my new shirt and white pants BEFORE opening the juice. Christine likes the flavor, so this is a jelly that i can make that will replace some fraction of her jelly consumption. I'm thinking 4 pint jars might do it. Then someday i will have mayhaws.... Meanwhile, i fantasize about Clowderwood food gifts for friends and family. I was sick during onion scape season so no pickled onion scapes. But there will be figs a plenty this year. Chestnuts and persimmons as well.

I spent my therapy time looking for ways to get in touch with my banked feelings. Banked, like a campfire is banked. Or shoved in the garage. I probably need to journal more about them: it seems i need to communicate to reach them. They don't come forward on their own easily.

Monday night i was standing on the dark deck -- was it cloudy or partly cloudy? I may have seen a satellite through the clouds -- then i was staring at the woods wondering if i would see a firefly. I think they have gone dark for the season. I thought of how i like to imagine our souls, our being, as waves in a shared sea. I am distinct for a while  and subside into the shared being that is ... the Divine? The unity of earth's life? I can frame it in many ways. But then i remembered the one time in Meeting for Worship where i was meditating about being in the presence of the Divine, and then had the experience of the Divine seeing me. Which was an uncomfortable exalting intensity. On Monday night that memory pulled up pain and anger. For me, that which Is acts through our hands and sees through our eyes. So many US citizens choosing not to see others but to replace them with stereotypes and tell stories and not witness truth. I am so angry and so pained by this. center

Quick proof of life post.

Sister's life seems to be on the road to some improvement, although original issue of concern hangs out there still being a concern.

Dad has had a terrible viral infection. Saw him a week ago laying in bed and was taken back to when his mother was in the same bedroom dying. Saw him on Saturday and he was better. Sister saw him on Sunday and observed how terribly he was doing, which was still, per departing brother, better.  L-- took him to the transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE) and found he was supposed to be monitored 24 hours after, so he stayed with her.

Brother traveled on Sunday to take the California Bar on Tuesday and presumably failed. (He kept explaining he wasn't getting studying done, it was all about memorization, nothing he works on is covered, and he was definitely going to fail.) Yesterday he found a dear friend died of a heart attack.

Excellent kitchen adventures included steam juicing (although the instant pot got in some confusion about depressurization and lied about keeping the lid locked) and making bay scallop egg rolls with bits of veggie bacon.  Also had made blueberry sheet pan pancakes which i took to my Dad and brother on the Saturday.

Christine and i have made reservations for a vacation. We haven't been on a vacation in ages, since the 2017 eclipse. And haven't been to the beach together since ... a Monterey Bay trip? Was that a wedding? Wow dim recesses of memory.) For Reasons i am both looking forward to it and also tempering my expectations. And it may be rescheduled if Dad has medical needs. Still, it was a reach for something positive.

Weather has been dreadfully horribly humid and sauna-like. My temperature sensor in the part of the yard that gets full sun much of the day recorded a heat index of 135°F. No movement on fixing the fence that is a prerequisite to getting kittens (also, we won't get kittens before going on vacation). Contractor we hoped to work with on the barn isn't available/responsive. So on to a random person, i guess.

Continue to escape to novels. Much left undone.